Đề bài:

The graph shows the income of four cafés in New York over last year. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features. Make comparision where relevent. Write at least 150 words

Bài làm của học viên

The earnings of four cafeterias which included TR, IE, WC and CC in NY over last year was indicated in this line graph. It was found increased in amount of profits value in IE, WC and CC, while those on TR experienced a noticeable decrease. The TR’s revenue kept the first position of those four in 10 months and had a fall at the end of the year, while CC’s revenue kept staying at the fourth in 11 months and surpassed this in TR in December. Profit in IE and WC shared the second and third position on those of 4 cafeteria with 3 times of equation in value on May, August and October. Beginning at the highest position with 160k dollars, the TR’s revenue fluctuated from January to October, dropped in November and finished at the lowest at under 60k eventually. In the contrast, the steady decline was recorded in IE from 100k to 120k with lowest point at 80k in June exceptionally. Although the rapid increasing was found on both, the WC fluctuation intensity was greater than CC, which ended with the same value with IE. Adding 140k to the January revenue helped WC quadruple the business result, took the first position of those 4 cafe with nearly 200k.

Bài chữa chi tiết:

Sửa lỗi ngữ pháp nâng cao

• Error: “The earnings of four cafeterias which included TR, IE, WC and CC in NY over last year was indicated in this line graph.” Correction: “The earnings of four cafeterias, which included TR, IE, WC, and CC in NY over the last year, are indicated in this line graph.” Explanation: The phrase “which included” introduces a non-restrictive clause, so it should be set off by commas. Additionally, “was” should be changed to “are” to maintain present tense consistency with “are indicated.” Finally, “over last year” should be changed to “over the last year” for clarity.
• Error: “It was found increased in amount of profits value in IE, WC and CC, while those on TR experienced a noticeable decrease.” Correction: “It was found that the amount of profit values increased in IE, WC, and CC, while TR experienced a noticeable decrease.” Explanation: The phrase “found increased” is awkward and unclear; it should be rephrased to “found that the amount of profit values increased.” Additionally, “profits value” should be corrected to “profit values” for proper noun usage. Commas should also be added before “and” in lists for clarity.
• Error: “The TR’s revenue kept the first position of those four in 10 months and had a fall at the end of the year, while CC’s revenue kept staying at the fourth in 11 months and surpassed this in TR in December.” Correction: “TR’s revenue held the first position among the four for 10 months and fell at the end of the year, while CC’s revenue remained in fourth place for 11 months and surpassed TR in December.” Explanation: “Kept the first position” is awkward; “held the first position” is more idiomatic. “Of those four” should be changed to “among the four” for correct prepositional usage. “Had a fall” is less common; “fell” is more concise. “Kept staying at the fourth” should be rephrased to “remained in fourth place” for clarity.
• Error: “Profit in IE and WC shared the second and third position on those of 4 cafeteria with 3 times of equation in value on May, August and October.” Correction: “Profits in IE and WC shared the second and third positions among the four cafeterias, with three instances of equal value in May, August, and October.” Explanation: “Profit” should be pluralized to “profits” to match the plural subjects. “On those of 4 cafeteria” is unclear; it should be “among the four cafeterias.” “3 times of equation in value” is awkward and unclear; “three instances of equal value” is clearer. Commas should be added before “and” in lists for clarity.
• Error: “Beginning at the highest position with 160k dollars, the TR’s revenue fluctuated from January to October, dropped in November and finished at the lowest at under 60k eventually.” Correction: “Beginning at the highest position of 160k dollars, TR’s revenue fluctuated from January to October, dropped in November, and ultimately finished at the lowest point of under 60k.” Explanation: “With” should be changed to “of” for proper prepositional usage. “The TR’s revenue” can be simplified to “TR’s revenue.” A comma should be added before “and” in a list of actions. “Eventually” is better placed as “ultimately” for clarity.
• Error: “In the contrast, the steady decline was recorded in IE from 100k to 120k with lowest point at 80k in June exceptionally.” Correction: “In contrast, a steady decline was recorded in IE from 100k to 120k, with the lowest point at 80k in June.” Explanation: “In the contrast” should be simplified to “In contrast.” “With lowest point” should be changed to “with the lowest point” for grammatical correctness. The word “exceptionally” is unnecessary and can be removed for clarity.
• Error: “Although the rapid increasing was found on both, the WC fluctuation intensity was greater than CC, which ended with the same value with IE.” Correction: “Although rapid increases were observed in both, WC’s fluctuation intensity was greater than CC’s, which ended with the same value as IE.” Explanation: “The rapid increasing” should be changed to “rapid increases” for correct noun usage. “Was found on both” is awkward; “were observed in both” is clearer. “The WC fluctuation intensity” should be changed to “WC’s fluctuation intensity” for conciseness. “Ended with the same value with IE” should be corrected to “ended with the same value as IE.”
• Error: “Adding 140k to the January revenue helped WC quadruple the business result, took the first position of those 4 cafe with nearly 200k.” Correction: “Adding 140k to January’s revenue helped WC quadruple its business results, taking the first position among the four cafes with nearly 200k.” Explanation: “The January revenue” should be changed to “January’s revenue” for possessive form. “Business result” should be pluralized to “business results” for consistency. “Took” should be changed to “taking” to maintain parallel structure with “helped.” “Of those 4 cafe” should be corrected to “among the four cafes” for proper prepositional usage and pluralization.

Task Achievement

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. Instead, it recounts details mechanically, focusing on specific months and individual cafes. There is no clear comparison between the cafes, and the essay does not adequately cover the key features of the data.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that the income of TR cafe decreased over the year, while the income of the other cafes increased. The essay could also compare the cafes in terms of their overall income trends. For example, the essay could state that WC cafe had the highest income growth over the year, while IE cafe had the lowest. The essay should also focus on the key features of the data, such as the highest and lowest points of income for each cafe.

Coherence & Cohesion

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe the income trends of the cafés, the ideas are not arranged coherently, leading to confusion in understanding the relationships between the data. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which detracts from the clarity of the information presented. For instance, phrases like “in the contrast” and “which included” are awkwardly used and disrupt the flow. Additionally, the paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as the essay lacks clear topic sentences and logical transitions between ideas.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing the information in a more logical sequence, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately will also help to clarify relationships between ideas. Furthermore, improving the accuracy of referencing and substitution can reduce repetition and enhance overall clarity. Finally, ensuring that paragraphs are clearly defined and logically structured will contribute to a more coherent essay.

Lexical Resource

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the information from the graph, the use of vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks precision. There are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as “amount of profits value” and “the steady decline was recorded in IE,” which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, there are issues with spelling and word formation, such as “cafeterias” instead of “cafés” and “in the contrast” instead of “in contrast.” These errors impact the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary and use a wider range of synonyms to avoid repetition. They should also focus on using more precise language and correct collocations. Paying attention to spelling and word formation will help improve clarity. Practicing with more complex sentence structures and incorporating less common vocabulary accurately will also contribute to a higher score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, these attempts are often inaccurate, leading to frequent grammatical errors that can cause confusion for the reader. For example, phrases like “was indicated in this line graph” and “the TR’s revenue kept the first position of those four” reflect awkward constructions and incorrect verb forms. While the essay conveys some information about the graph, the errors in grammar and punctuation detract from the overall clarity and coherence of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band

Bài chữa tham khảo:

The earnings of four cafés, namely TR, IE, WC, and CC, in New York over the past year are illustrated in this line graph. It was observed that the profits for IE, WC, and CC increased, while TR experienced a noticeable decline. TR’s revenue maintained the highest position among the four cafés for ten months but fell at the end of the year, whereas CC remained in fourth place for eleven months before surpassing TR in December. The profits for IE and WC occupied the second and third positions among the four cafés, with three instances of equal value occurring in May, August, and October.

Starting at the highest point of $160,000, TR’s revenue fluctuated from January to October, dropped in November, and ultimately finished at the lowest point of just under $60,000. In contrast, IE showed a steady decline from $100,000 to $120,000, with an exceptional low of $80,000 in June. Although both WC and CC experienced rapid increases, WC exhibited greater fluctuation compared to CC, which ended with the same value as IE. An increase of $140,000 in January revenue enabled WC to quadruple its business results, allowing it to take the top position among the four cafés with nearly $200,000.